Pop Friday – Fan Theories That Will Blow Your Mind

This week on Reddit, was a discussion about some pretty incredibly creative fan theories regarding “the actual” back story (according to the fan’s theory) for different movies and television shows. For our first Pop Friday feature this week (as recently announced), the following are just a few of my favorite fan theories. Needless to say: Spoiler Warning. If you haven’t seen any of these movies or TV shows and don’t want some of the plot spoiled, just skip the heading with that movie or show and read the next one…

 

Rugrats

Ever wondered just how Angelica could talk to the babies? Angelica is the only one who can talk to the babies because they are a figment of her imagination. She is spoilt, sad and lonely, because her Mother is constantly working and has no time for her. Her relationship with her Dad is superficial and unsubstantial, no real love is ever shown to her.

So how did it come about that Angelica would have to imagine these babies? Tommy died soon after child birth, a fact reflected by Stu never leaving the basement, inventing toys that his son will never play with. Chuckie died in the car crash along with his Mum, also reflected in the actions of his father; the crash has made him a pathetic nervous wreck most of the time.

Most interesting is Phil and Lil. There never where any twins, there was just one baby. However this baby was a still born, and Angelica never knew the sex of the still born, so she invented twins of different genders.

Sadly, Angelica never uses her imaginary friends to comfort or entertain her, instead she is mean and nasty to them. She has invented this relationship with these babies so she can vent her frustrations of being a spoilt, lonely brat who has seen much hardship from these unfortunate parents; frustrations that can’t be satisfied by a typical childhood relationship with a doll, albeit a Cynthia one.

Also…

Reading about Rugrats made me think of that episode where they think the world will end. They make a shelter and plan to survive. Except there’s only enough room 4, not 5. So, they have to pick between Tommy, Chuckie, Angelica, Phil and Lil. They actually make a logical choice for repopulating the earth. You would take both girls. Chuckie has different family from either girl, so he’s accepted. The choice would be between Tommy and Phil. Phil has redundant DNA with Lil, Tommy, while a cousin of Angelica, still brings more diversity. Leaving Phil out was the logical choice, if they truly had to. It’s not broken down this way in the show, but they still reach the same result.

 

Aladdin

The story of Aladdin is made up by to persuade you to buy the lamp.

Also…

In one scene, Genie calls Al’s clothes “so 3rd century”. Genie was trapped for 10,000 years, so there is no way he could know of the fashion trends which have happened whilst he was in the lamp. Which means at the latest Genie could have been trapped in the lamp during the 3rd century. If he spent 10,000 years in there, it is now AT LEAST the year 10,300AD when he gets out.

Conclusion: Aladdin takes place IN THE FUTURE. A post-apocalyptic world where only Arabic (and some Greek) culture survived. It has been so long that the name “Arabia” has been corrupted to “Agrabah”. The Muslism religion has atrophied to the point where there are no mosques, imams or prayer mats, but people still give praise to Allah in moments of happiness. Amazing technological marvels left behind by the previous civilization, like flying carpets or genetically engineered parrots which can comprehend human speech instead of just mimicking it, are taken for granted by locals or considered “Magic”.

The Genie proves this by making impressions of ancient, long-dead celebrities like Groucho Marx, Jack Nicholson, etc.

 

Star Wars

My favorite Star Wars conspiracy is that the Emperor wasn’t spending all those resources creating crazy superweapons like the Death Star and the Sun Crusher and putting together gigantic fleets of Star Destroyers wasn’t to stop the Rebel Alliance, but rather in preparation of the Yuuzhan Vong Invasion that would happen about a quarter century after RoTJ ended.

Now the Emperor is a pretty smart guy. I mean, he got himself elected to Chancellor of the Republic, started a war, earned himself absolute control on both sides of the war, then managed to turn the galaxy against the guys who for a millennium had served as icons of peacekeeping, justice, and democracy. And that takes some serious strategizing! But here’s the thing:

At this point, the Republic was falling apart, with or without a Sith-led Separatist movement to nudge them in the wrong direction. The senate was a clusterfuck where nothing ever got done. Corruption reigned supreme. Even the Jedi Council wasn’t doing it’s job properly. Ideally, Jedi are supposed to act as bastions of compassion and moderation. The way the Jedi would be tasked to deal with a situation is as a balancing influence between, say, two conflicting nation-states, or a particularly quarrelsome trade agreement. Everyone respected and would listen to a Jedi, and even without acting on behalf of the Republic, they should be able to arrive on a scene and be able to allow discussion and bureaucracy to flourish. Instead, the Jedi Council of the waning days of the Republic had grown inward and conservative, spending all their time meditating on the state of the galaxy and not enough time heading out there and fixing shit. This held throughout the war, when Jedi were surprisingly quick to jump to open combat as opposed to discussion.

In short, the Republic was completely and utterly unprepared for a real invasion, from a force that wasn’t being controlled by a puppetmaster who was preventing either side from gaining an advantage until the moment was right. The kinds of fleets that were commonplace in the Empire would have been impossible for the Republic to even agree to create, let alone have the wherewithal to actually build. What Palpatine did was take a failing system and tear it out by the roots, replacing it with a brutally efficient, military-industrial focused society – one that could adequately prepare for an invasion of the scale of the Yuuzhan Vong were already beginning.

Second of all, if you think about it, creating a weapon that can destroy planets doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you’re fighting a war against a well funded, but decentralized and scattered rebellion. The Rebel Alliance wasn’t fighting a war of planets or borders or resources, they were fighting a war of attrition. What good is the ability to destroy a planet when your enemy doesn’t even officially control any? The destruction of Alderaan, the only notable use of the Death Star, was a move made by Grand Moff Tarkin, whose Tarkin Doctrine, though it heavily influenced the way the Empire kept a tight grip on even the furthest systems, was not the ultimate purpose of the “ultimate weapon”. Tarkin was convinced that the Death Star was his tool, one of intimidation and despotism, that he could use it to keep the Alliance, the biggest threat to his power, at bay. And we all know how that venture turned out.

No, the real purpose of the Death Star was to be able to fight a force that could completely terraform an entire planet into a gigantic, organic shipyard in a matter of months, and was backed by dozens of 100+ Kilometer across worldships. In fact, without the timely arrival of the seed of the original Yuuzhan Vong homeworld, Zonama Sekot, and a Jedi-influenced heretic cult that spurred a slave uprising, it’s very unlikely that the denizens of the galaxy could have survived the war at all under the leadership of the New Republic. In fact, it’s not really even fair to say that they “won” the war in any sense, with a sizable portion of the population of the galaxy eradicated, Coruscant, the former shining jewel at the heart of every major government for millennia, captured and terraformed beyond recognition, and the New Republic forced to reconstruct itself as the Galactic Alliance. Undoubtedly, for all it’s flaws, the Empire could have hammered out a far less Pyrrhic victory over the Vong. And if Palpatine hadn’t underestimated the abilities of both the rebellion he never considered a comparable threat, and one young Jedi, perhaps the galaxy could have avoided the deaths of uncountable sentients during the Yuuzhan Vong war years later.

 

Scooby Doo

The original Scooby Doo series is set after a horrible economic depression. Everything is abandoned and falling apart, and all of the villains are people who would normally be really respected (professors, museum curators, celebrities) who have fallen into hard times just like everyone else. How many times have the gang helped someone NOT go out of business?

Also…

The Venture Bros. had a nice twist on this. Fred was an insane cult leader. Shaggy had gone so far around the bend he was imagining his dog was talking to him.

 

Garfield

Garfield is actually dieing of starvation, and just imagining Jon and Odie. There was a reference to this in a Halloween themed comic. Garfield woke up in a condemned and abandoned house. He calls out for Odie and Jon, but there is no answer. He then wills the illusion back on himself, and continues his delusions about his ‘family’.

 

More Star Wars

If we accept all the Star Wars films as the same canon (as it seems we must) then a lot that happens in the original films has to be reinterpreted in the light of the prequels. As we now know, the rebel Alliance was founded by Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Bail Organa. What can readily be deduced is that their first recruit, who soon became their top field agent, was R2-D2.

Consider: at the end of Revenge of the Sith, Bail Organa orders 3PO’s memory wiped but not R2′s. He would not make the distinction casually. Both droids know that Yoda and Obi-Wan are alive and are plotting sedition with the Senator from Alderaan. They know that Amidala survived long enough to have twins and could easily deduce where they went. However, it can be assumed that R2 makes an impassioned speech to the effect that he is far more use to them with his mind intact: he has observed Palpatine and Anakin at close quarters for many years, knows much that is useful and is one of the galaxy’s top experts at hacking into other people’s systems. Also he can lie through his teeth with a straight face. Organa, in immediate need of espionage resources, agrees.

For the next 20 years, as far as C3PO knows, he is the property of Captain Antilles, doing protocol duties on a diplomatic transport. He is vaguely aware of the existence of Princess Leia but he doesn’t know much about her. Wherever 3PO goes, being as loud and obvious as he always is, his unobtrusive little counterpart goes with him. 3PO is R2′s front man. Wherever they land, R2 is passing messages between rebel sympathisers and sizing up governments as potential rebel recruits – both by personal contact and by hacking into their networks. He passes his recommendations on to Organa.

Yoda is out of the picture by this stage, using the Force-infused swamps of Dagobah to hide himself from Vader and the Emperor. Or something. He is meditating on the future and keeping in touch with Obi-Wan via the ghost of Qui-Gon Jin, which as comm systems go has the virtue of being untappable. Obi-Wan, on Tattoine, keeps in touch with Bail Organa and the other Rebel leaders by courier, of which more later.

As Star Wars opens, R2 is rushing the Death Star plans to the Rebellion. That’s R2, not Leia. The plans are always in R2. What Leia puts into him in the early scene is only her own holographic message to Kenobi. Leia’s own mission, as she says in that holographic message, is to pick up Obi-Wan and take him to Alderaan. Or so she thinks. Actually, her father just wants her to meet Kenobi, which up to this point she never has. There’s a reason for that.

Obi-Wan has spent the last 20 years in the Tattoine desert, keeping watch over Luke Skywalker and trying to decide on one of the three available options:
A) If Luke shows no significant access to the Force, then leave him alone in obscurity
B) If Luke shows real Force ability, then consider recruiting him as a Jedi. The rebellion needs Jedi and it needs them now.But, if Luke shows any signs of turning out like his father, then:
C) sneak into his house one fine night and chop his head off. With great regret but it’ll save a lot of trouble later on.

Knowing this to be the case, Bail Organa (perhaps at the insistence of his wife) has found excuses not to send Leia to Ben for assessment of Jedi potential, largely for fear of option C.

To be fair to all concerned, Leia has shown no overt signs of a link to the Force. Luke on the other hand has. In his home-built hotrod aircraft, with no formal fighter pilot training and no decent instrumentation, Luke can regularly score centre-hits on two-metre targets in complex zero-altitude maneuvers. Until he attends the briefing on Yavin, Luke has no way of knowing that hardened combat pilots would consider that nearly impossible. To him it’s easy. Obi-Wan, who saw Anakin’s performance in the Pod Race, is nervous.

Much of Obi-Wan’s behaviour in this film, and Yoda’s in the next, can best be understood if they are frankly scared to death of what Luke might become. (Ben is also scared that he himself will make all the same mistakes he made with Anakin.)

Now, with the existence of the rebellion at stake, Bail Organa has finally told Leia to go see Obi-Wan and has sent her along with R2. The original plan would then be for Obi-Wan (with optional Luke and/or Leia in tow) to leave his exile and take the Death Star plans to Yavin, where they can be put to use. R2 (with Leia if Ben doesn’t want to take her) would then carry on to Alderaan to maintain the cover story. The original plan does not survive contact with a large Imperial Star Destroyer.

R2 and 3PO bail out in an escape pod. Landing in vaguely the right area of Tattoine, R2′s first priority is transport. He arranges to be captured by a group of Jawas and, once on board their vehicle, he makes a deal with them (possibly using emergency funds stored elsewhere on the planet) to take him where he wants to go. The Jawas refuse to go directly to Kenobi for fear of marauding Sandpeople but they agree to R2′s second request : transport to the farm of Owen Lars. They even get to keep the purchase price if they can sell R2 and 3PO there. R2 and the Jawas shake on it and they go through with the plan.

Seeing 3PO fail to recognise the farm where he worked for 10 miserable years gives R2 a moment’s amusement but, as soon as opportunity presents itself, he makes a break for it and heads for Obi-Wan. Luke and 3PO follow, which may or may not have been part of the plan.

On first seeing R2, Obi-Wan has a twinkle in his eye and calls him “my little friend”. Well, he is. However, when Luke wakes up and says that R2 claimed to be owned by an Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ben blandly says “I don’t seem to remember ever owning a droid.” Ben has in fact owned several but the remark is aimed at R2 and translates as “You keep quiet. I’m not about to tell him everything just yet.” Obi-Wan thinks fast and tells Luke a version of his past that does not involve a father who became a dark lord of the Sith. Ben wants to examine Luke a lot more closely before he risks telling him the real truth.

Although the Death Star plans need to get to Yavin as soon as possible, Obi-Wan has one more diversion to make first. If the Empire knows that Leia is a Rebel leader, then they also know about her father, so the whole Organa family may need immediate evacuation. Fortunately, before coming to Tattoine, R2 had already arranged transport, which is waiting at Mos Eisley under the command of the Rebellion’s other chief field agent and espionage asset. Chewbacca.

Twenty years earlier, Chewbacca was second in command of the defence of his planet. He was there in the tactical conferences and there on the front lines and was a personal friend of Yoda’s. So when he needed reliable people to join the embryonic Alliance, who else would Yoda turn to but his old friend from Kashykk? Given his background, it makes no sense that Chewbacca would spend the crucial years of the rebellion as the second-in-command to (sorry Han) a low-level smuggler. Unless it was his cover. In fact, Chewie is a top-line spy and flies what is in many ways the Rebellion’s best ship.

The Millenium Falcon may look like a beat-up old freighter but it can outrun any Imperial ship in normal space or hyperspace, hang in a firefight with a Star Destroyer or outmaneouvre a dozen top-of-the-line TIE fighters. It’s a remarkable feat of engineering and must have cost a colossal fortune to build. How does Han come to own a ship like that? Actually, he only thinks he does – the real owner is Chewie. Half-way through Revenge of the Sith, we see the Falcon landing at the Senate building on Coruscant. If it’s the same ship (which of course it is) then it was the personal transport of one of the senatorial delegations – a much more likely source to commission its design. That delegation must have later joined the Rebellion and given it the use of the Falcon. In fact, if the delegation was the one from Kashykk, then the ship may have belonged to Chewbacca as early as Revenge of the Sith.

Han is Chewbacca’s front man. It’s much better, and safer for him, if he doesn’t know what’s really going on. Chewie used to work with Lando Calrissian in a similar way but Lando wanted to settle down, so Chewie arranged for him to lose the Falcon in a card game to Han Solo, an even better choice as a partner. Han and Chewie’s working method is pretty much what we see in the cantina scene: Chewie make the contacts and sets up the deals, then turns them over to Han, who haggles over the price and gives the final yea or nay. This lets Chewbacca wander the seamy underside of the galaxy pretty much at will, making contacts, gathering and passing information with no-one was the wiser, especially not Han.

It was Chewie who persuaded Han to do business with Jabba the Hutt, so that they could make regular runs to Tattoine, where Chewie could pass messages between Kenobi and Organa. When R2′s urgent message came through only days before, the only way for Chewie to get back to Tattoine in time was to make the “mistake” that forced Han to dump his cargo to avoid capture. As a down side, this led to Solo’s getting a death mark out on him from Jabba the Hutt. Chewie was a bit upset about that but figured they weren’t going to be dealing with Tattoine for much longer.

En route to Alderaan, R2 and Chewie play stop-motion chess. This is the latest in a series of games that they’ve played over the years in the back rooms of space stations and cantinas across the galaxy, but this is the first time they’ve done it in front of their respective straight men, so they put on a big show.

Then it all goes wrong again. Alderaan has been destroyed and the Falcon is captured and brought aboard the Death Star. Han, Luke and 3PO don’t know just how much trouble they’re in but Obi-Wan, R2 and Chewbacca know only too well. However, Obi-Wan has a plan and seems confident of pulling it off (but then Jedi always do). Soon afterwards, while Obi-Wan is away, R2 discovers that Leia is in the detention cells and shouts out that they have to rescue her, to which Chewie can only agree. If Vader learns that he has a daughter, then they’re all in very deep trouble, so Chewie does his bit to persuade Han to go along with Luke’s impromptu rescue plan.

The escape nearly works but then Vader himself turns up only yards away from both of his children, one of whom is leaking Force in all directions. Obi-Wan sees what is happening and stages a distraction by letting himself die and go into the Force while the others escape.

At this point, Chewbacca suddenly realises that he’s been left in charge, not only of the Death Star Plans and the survival of the Rebellion (which would be responsibility enough) but of the secret son and daughter of Darth Vader. With the Organas and Kenobi all dead, only Chewie, R2 and Yoda know who Luke and Leia really are and only Obi-Wan had any idea where to find Yoda. Chewbacca is stressed out by his new responsibilities and R2 (who keeps making crude jokes about the whole affair) is being no help at all.

Chewie’s first problem is what is happening between Luke and Leia. With a psychic link they can feel but not understand, thrown together in a life-or-death escape, they are looking at each other with a sparky intensity that Chewie gradually recognises as Romantic Tension. He is no expert on human relationships but Chewie is fairly sure that that’s Wrong, so he does the only thing he can think of under the circumstances – he throws Han at her. Han is not interested at first, but after a while he starts to warm to the idea with an intensity that gives Chewie new worries.

When they reach Yavin, Han opts to take the money and run and Chewie decides to go with him. Looked at in a cold light, it’s for the good of the Rebellion. Even if Yavin is destroyed, there will be one agent who knows what’s going on who can try to put something back together. Still, Chewie doesn’t feel good about it and when Han decides to turn around and join the attack, the wookiee is all for it.

With the Death Star destroyed, Han and Luke get medals but Chewie doesn’t. Actually, Leia offers him one but the wookiee turns it down. He got one of those things from Yoda about twenty years ago, but there’s no way he can tell her that.

As the film ends, the three founders of the Rebellion are all gone. Bail Organa is dead, Yoda is out of contact and the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi can only talk to other Jedi. (So that would be Yoda then.) Thus, the field leadership of the rebellion has just been turned over to the daughter of Darth Vader. Chewie is hoping that someone with an official rank greater than hers will reach Yavin soon, before he has to think really seriously about option C.

© Keith Martin 2005

 

SpongeBob SquarePants

The existence of Spongebob and his strange friends is the result of radiation from nuclear arms testing that was performed on the Bikini Atoll in the late 40′s and early 50′s. Since they live under the atoll, the town is known as ‘Bikini Bottom’.

 

Pinky and the Brain

“Pinky and The Brain One is a genius The other’s insane.” Brain constantly plans to take over the world, suggesting he is insane. Pinky often finds ways to ruin these plans.. so.. who is the genius?

More…

I thought this was the most obvious joke of all time- clearly Pinky must be the genius, as Brain is obviously afflicted with megalomania. Pinky, while highly eccentric, doesn’t seem to suffer from anything clinical, other than mildy disordered thinking. Other clues: In the episode where things are seen from pinky’s point of view, it turns out he is suprisingly quick and intelligent, and the things he blurts out are not at all random, but the result of his (very rapid) free association. (Ep. 55) Brain is actually diagnosed as megalomaniacal and attends a support group for it. (Ep. 21) Pinky actually succeeds in becoming president of the USA (Ep. 18), and taking over the world (Ep. 34, Ep. 56) as well as becoming a succcesful abstract painter, Spiritual Guru, etc. At one time, it was stated that the writers had explicitly confirmed that, in fact but I can’t seem to find it now- anyone else?

[Does that make this show, "Kooky Libertarian and the Neocon?"]

 

Even More Star Wars (I mean… it’s Star Wars)

I remember a pretty solid one about how R2D2 was Luke’s father.

This was before Empire Strikes Back came out.

Luke’s father was mortally wounded by Vader. His brain was removed from his body and placed in life support inside a robot.

This is why C3P0 is so worried about R2′s operational status. C3 knows that R2 has biological components.

Turns out Luke, who got VERY little Jedi training, isn’t all that great–it’s his Jedi father, inside of R2, every time. Think about it: Early on, when Luke does something with the force R2 is ALWAYS there. Except for the one time on Hoth–and what is R2 doing at that time? Deploying a long range force antenna we NEVER see again.

 

Lord of the Rings: The Terrible Secret of Tom Bombadil
(Okay, this one seriously gave me goosebumps)

Old Tom Bombadil. Possibly the least liked character in The Lord of the Rings. A childish figure so disliked by fans of the book that few object to his absence from all adaptations of the story. And yet, there is another way of looking at Bombadil, based only on what appears in the book itself, that paints a very different picture of this figure of fun.

What do we know about Tom Bombadil? He is fat and jolly and smiles all the time. He is friendly and gregarious and always ready to help travellers in distress.

Except that none of that can possibly be true.

Consider: By his own account (and by Elrond’s surprisingly sketchy knowledge) Bombadil has lived in the Old Forest since before the hobbits came to the Shire. Since before Elrond was born. Since the earliest days of the First Age.

And yet no hobbit has ever heard of him.

The guise in which Bombadil appears to Frodo and his companions is much like a hobbit writ large. He loves food and songs and nonsense rhymes and drink and company. Any hobbit who saw such a person would tell tales of him. Any hobbit who was rescued by Tom would sing songs about him and tell everyone else. Yet Merry – who knows all the history of Buckland and has ventured into the Old Forest many times – has never heard of Tom Bombadil. Frodo and Sam – avid readers of old Bilbo’s lore – have no idea that any such being exists, until he appears to them. All the hobbits of the Shire think of the Old Forest as a place of horror – not as the abode of a jolly fat man who is surprisingly generous with his food.

If Bombadil has indeed lived in the Old Forest all this time – in a house less than twenty miles from Buckland – then it stands to reason that he has never appeared to a single hobbit traveller before, and has certainly never rescued one from death. In the 1400 years since the Shire was settled.

What do we know about Tom Bombadil? He is not what he seems.

Elrond, the greatest lore-master of the Third Age, has never heard of Tom Bombadil. Elrond is only vaguely aware that there was once someone called Iarwain Ben-Adar (“Oldest and Fatherless”) who might be the same as Bombadil. And yet, the main road between Rivendell and the Grey Havens passes not 20 miles from Bombadil’s house, which stands beside the most ancient forest in Middle Earth. Has no elf ever wandered in the Old Forest or encountered Bombadil in all these thousands of years? Apparently not.

Gandalf seems to know more, but he keeps his knowledge to himself. At the Council of Elrond, when people suggest sending the Ring to Bombadil, Gandalf comes up with a surprisingly varied list of reasons why that should not be done. It is not clear that any of the reasons that he gives are the true one.

Now, in his conversation with Frodo, Bombadil implies (but avoids directly stating) that he had heard of their coming from Farmer Maggot and from Gildor’s elves (both of whom Frodo had recently described). But that also makes no sense. Maggot lives west of the Brandywine, remained there when Frodo left, and never even knew that Frodo would be leaving the Shire. And if Elrond knows nothing of Bombadil, how can he be a friend of Gildor’s?

What do we know about Tom Bombadil? He lies.

A question: what is the most dangerous place in Middle Earth? First place goes to the Mines of Moria, home of the Balrog, but what is the second most dangerous place? Tom Bombadil’s country.

By comparison, Mordor is a safe and well-run land, where two lightly-armed hobbits can wander for days without meeting anything more dangerous than themselves. Yet the Old Forest and the Barrow Downs, all part of Tom’s country, are filled with perils that would tax anyone in the Fellowship except perhaps Gandalf.

Now, it is canonical in Tolkein that powerful magical beings imprint their nature on their homes. Lorien under Galadriel is a place of peace and light. Moria, after the Balrog awoke, was a place of terror to which lesser evil creatures were drawn. Likewise, when Sauron lived in Mirkwood, it became blighted with evil and a home to monsters.

And then, there’s Tom Bombadil’s Country.

The hobbits can sense the hatred within all the trees in the Old Forest. Every tree in that place is a malevolent huorn, hating humankind. Every single tree. And the barrows of the ancient kings that lie nearby are defiled and inhabited by Barrow-Wights. Bombadil has the power to control or banish all these creatures, but he does not do so. Instead, he provides a refuge for them against men and other powers. Evil things – and only evil things – flourish in his domain. “Tom Bombadil is the master” Goldberry says. And his subjects are black huorns and barrow wights.

What do we know about Tom Bombadil? He is not the benevolent figure that he pretends to be.

Tom appears to the Ringbearer in a friendly, happy guise, to question and test him and to give him and his companions swords that can kill the servants of another evil power. But his motives are his own.

Consider: it is said more than once that the willows are the most powerful and evil trees in the Forest. Yet, the rhyme that Bombadil teaches the hobbits to use in conjuring up Bombadil himself includes the line, “By the reed and willow.” The willows are a part of Bombadil’s power and a means of calling on him. They draw their strength from the cursed river Withywindle, the centre of all the evil in the Forest.

And the springs of the Withywindle are right next to Tom Bombadil’s house.

And then there is Goldberry, “the river-daughter”. She is presented as Bombadil’s wife, an improbably beautiful and regal being who charms and beguiles the hobbits. It is implied that she is a water spirit, and she sits combing her long, blonde hair after the manner of a mermaid. (And it is worth remembering that mermaids were originally seen as monsters, beautiful above the water, slimy and hideous below, luring sailors to drown and be eaten.) But I suggest the name means that in her true state, Goldberry is nourished by the River – that is, by the proverbially evil Withywindle.

In folklore and legend (as Tolkien would know well) there are many tales of creatures that can take on human form but whose human shape always contains a clue to their true nature. So what might Goldberry be? She is tall and slender – specifically she is “slender as a willow wand”. She wears a green dress, sits amidst bowls of river water and is surrounded by the curtain of her golden hair. I suggest that she is a Willow tree conjured into human form, a malevolent huorn like the Old Man Willow from whom the hobbits have just escaped. If she is not indeed the same tree.

So, if this is true, then why does Bombadil save and help the ringbearer and his companions? Because they can bring about the downfall of Sauron, the current Dark Lord of Middle Earth. When Sauron falls, the other rings will fail and the wizards and elves will leave Middle Earth and the only great power that is left will be Bombadil.

There is a boundary around Bombadil’s country that he cannot or will not pass, something that confines him to a narrow space. And in return, no wizard or elf comes into his country to see who rules it, or to disturb the evil creatures that gather under his protection.

When the hobbits return to the Shire after their journey to Mordor, Gandalf leaves them close to Bree and goes towards Bombadil’s country to have words with him. We do not know what they say. But Gandalf was sent to Middle Earth to contend against Sauron and now he must depart. He has been given no mission to confront Bombadil and he must soon leave Middle Earth to powerless men and hobbits, while Bombadil remains, waiting to fulfill his purpose.

Do I think that Tolkien planned things in this way? Not at all, but I find it an interesting speculation.

To speculate further and more wildly:

The spell that binds Bombadil to his narrow and cursed country was put in place centuries ago by the Valar to protect men and elves. It may last a few decades more, perhaps a few generations of hobbit lives. But when the last elf has gone from the havens and the last spells of rings and wizards unravel, then it will be gone. And Iarwain Ben-Adar, Oldest and Fatherless, who was ruler of the darkness in Middle Earth before Sauron was, before Morgoth set foot there, before the first rising of the sun, will come into his inheritance again. And one dark night the old trees will march westward into the Shire to feed their ancient hatred. And Bombadil will dance down amongst them, clad in his true shape at last, singing his incomprehensible rhymes as the trees mutter their curses and the black and terrible Barrow-Wights dance and gibber around him. And he will be smiling.

 

Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds

Not exactly a fan theory, but I thought Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds would have been 100x better if the final shot was that tripod falling down and its alien pilot falling out except for one crucial difference : instead of a generic alien body, the aliens behind the invasion are E.T’s. You find out in the last few seconds of the movie that you’ve been watching a sequel to what you thought was a cuddly, family-friendly movie about a young boy and his alien buddy, but was actually about how a naive little kid thwarted authorities and helped the alien scout who laid the groundwork for an invasion and attempted genocide.

 

Back to the Future

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